Just when you think you've found your bearings... as though things have finally "clicked".... you get spun around again and you start to question every miniscule thing that happen. And that whole self doubt cynicism lack of trust feeling starts to nip at me again.
Today, I felt that things are just ALL wrong. Like I should have just stayed in Singapore and gone to NUS. I'd be a doctor. But no... i chose to take the scholarship (for pride? for the glory? for the money? for the US education?) come here, major in 2 fields that right now i feel totally sian about. Ok... so maybe it's cos i'm not really doing well in my classes. Screwed up a final, messing up my grades... but still, i dunno. Something feels wrong.
And the whole netball thing too. I miss it so much. Yah. Enough said.
And my heart feels smaller. Ok so that's quite a weird way to describe it... but that's exactly how i feel. Smaller -- in a way cos it feels like it's being hacked away, but also cos i feel like i have less to give away (cos some parts have been hacked away, or maybe i'm just getting more protective of whatever's left).
ARGH. WHAT UTTER CRAP I'M WRITING.
But i have a project meeting now so I shall leave my graffiti splayed all over my blog.
And part of me wants the whole to know that I'm just pathetic. enough of the pretense that i'm smart and capable and whatever. pretend also cannot pretend well enough. geez.
Today, I felt that things are just ALL wrong. Like I should have just stayed in Singapore and gone to NUS. I'd be a doctor. But no... i chose to take the scholarship (for pride? for the glory? for the money? for the US education?) come here, major in 2 fields that right now i feel totally sian about. Ok... so maybe it's cos i'm not really doing well in my classes. Screwed up a final, messing up my grades... but still, i dunno. Something feels wrong.
And the whole netball thing too. I miss it so much. Yah. Enough said.
And my heart feels smaller. Ok so that's quite a weird way to describe it... but that's exactly how i feel. Smaller -- in a way cos it feels like it's being hacked away, but also cos i feel like i have less to give away (cos some parts have been hacked away, or maybe i'm just getting more protective of whatever's left).
ARGH. WHAT UTTER CRAP I'M WRITING.
But i have a project meeting now so I shall leave my graffiti splayed all over my blog.
And part of me wants the whole to know that I'm just pathetic. enough of the pretense that i'm smart and capable and whatever. pretend also cannot pretend well enough. geez.
3 Comments:
doesn't matter what you are.. what matters is who God is.
'Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs. But I, with a song of thanksgiving, will sacrifice to you. What I have vowed I will make good. Salvation comes from the Lord.' -Jonah 2:8,9
cya in class later ;)
i was looking through my old writings just now then browsed to your page. here, this one give you.
sometimes
our vision warps and stretches.
day squints into night, we yawn
time out between blinks and winks
until we can't tell a closing from an opening
close your eyes, friend.
and dream that we are in qin
and they have burned all the papers
dream that we are in communist china
and they have closed all the schools
dream that we are swiss, and goatherds,
and we yodel and the hills are alive
and dream that we are in bollywood
and burst into song, and dance around banana trees
without provocation, or license, or batteries included
dream, yes, that today is yesterday's deadline extended
into tomorrow's possibilities, and every hour
is a lifeline trembling with the plucking
of a frenzied fifteen-fingered guitarist
on crack, dream into a blur
all the meetings and readings and tests
and dream that i wish
that every last grace note that trails its own line
down your face fades away to slurred rests.
WAH... that was so entertaining. Hahaha.. burn all the papers! BURN ALL THE PAPERS!! YESSS!!! BURN THEM ALL!!!!
ok i'm nuts.
btw... who are you crimson? I dowan to guess wrongly, so puhlease tell me?
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