I hate waking up feeling so vulnerable. Its amazing what a phone call can do... sometimes it can kickstart my whole day and put me into turbo power mode, but on days like these, it just makes me want to close my eyes and blind myself to my own life. I no longer want to sit up and face the reality of this world, and I wish that my dreams will fly me to some parallel universe for real.

Its tough you know? Its tough to do this self-talk thing each day. I can't hide how I feel... I know that, but I know that I can convince myself that things aren't so bad. I just need to be busy, and I'll be able to convince myself that things are ok. Until mornings like these when I have not had the time to synchronize my heart with my mind. I know that the truth is, I don't want to be so independent. I long for someone to lean on, someone to whine to, someone to do things for me that I can actually do myself. I need someone to care for me and to tell me constantly that I'm not alone. I want so badly to stop pretending that I'm who I am.

I need to wean myself off the phone and icq and msn. Gosh... I can spend my whole day just WATCHING the phone and icq list and msn hoping that you'll come online when obviously you are not going to. I check my phone like a gazellion times a day in a lab with no reception, hoping to get a message or a voicemail from you.

Anyway, so the conclusion is, I get up, dry the tears, pour myself a big glass of diet coke, and start work. What's new. In an hour's time, my brain will be in full throttle and it'll over power my heart. Then I know i'll be ok again.