I'm constantly very tired. Sleepy, lightheaded.

Stressed, but sometimes excitedly so. Getting to see and learn many new things, about myself too. Feeling inadequate, feeling like I cannot live up to expectations. Or perhaps, I don't want to.

But I'm not happy I think. Not quite as happy as I would wish to be. And I suspect, not quite as happy as I really can be.

Pensive quite often, more so than before, and keeping things inside. I watch a lot more, I can sense a lot more, and I also react a lot less. More selfish maybe, more protective maybe.

Sometimes I think about what if things were different. Sometimes I think about, if only things never became different.

What I want is not good for me, and what is good for me is not what I want.

HK was, like never before. Same sights, but different emotions. Bball and Netball have pretty much kept me going despite some frustrating times. Joy comes in strange ways nowadays.

Its always so raw, so fresh, so pure when it begins. A clean slate, pure joy, no expectations, no defences, all in its truest form.