I've never felt so frustrated with my job, ever.

Its quite a swell of feelings, when you realise you are not quite making the most of your life, that you won't be able to maximise your potential, that you are really capable of more but the "system" does not allow nor accommodate such self-assessment. You live a life that others think you will like to live, a life that others think must be full of meaning and fulfillment, a life that some others wish they could taste. You even sell it to some people, because there are days you choose to believe that there's more to it, and you cannot bring yourself to accept the fact that perhaps, for you, there's nothing more to it.

Why do some have the courage to take the leap, to put aside what others think, and to take the risk that perhaps some day, they wished they didn't. I fear, not of failure, but of letting people down. Those who have been sincere about helping me grow, teaching me how to do it right, think it right. Maybe they don't care, and maybe I'm actually more afraid that what people think of me will change.

Its all becoming more of a blur these days. A blur of realising that my life expectancy is perhaps not high, that i've been kidding myself about how much my abilities are valued here, that if I continue like this I will have a fulfilling and meaningful career, waking up each day eager to go to work.

Some days I wake up very happy, for different reasons, and that's what still makes life bearable. I wonder how long that will last